Memories

Over the last few weeks I’ve been at my parents’ house doing work around the house. For the past year, I’ve been steadily painting the inside and getting things cleaned and organized. With my dad in a nursing home now I’ve been doing a lot of work that my mom has wanted to do and things that will allow her to enjoy the house. It’s been small thing like paint color, furniture placement, etc.

Yesterday a dumpster was delivered and we threw away a lot of things, including many things that were my dad’s. At first I was a bit concerned with throwing them away, but then made the realization that me throwing these things wasn’t me throwing him away, it was me throwing things away that should have been thrown away long ago that he used. I didn’t throw anything away that had any sort of fond memories or sentimental value attached. Needless to say, there was a full dumpster by the end of the day waiting to be picked up by the city on Friday.

I often think about what my dad and I used to do together. My mom found his fishing poles. I remember fishing with him on the lakes in Wisconsin. My first fish was a sunfish at Shawno Lake. It was off a pier in the evening. My parents, sister, and grandma were there. I’m sure that there is a picture floating around here somewhere with that.

Those are the memories I choose to keep. While I will always remember the doctor’s appointments, his heart attack, his prostate cancer, and everything we did to slow the alzheimer’s, the things I choose to remember are the moments where he was laughing, helping me carve a pinewood derby car, making the most ridiculous faces.

This trip has been full of emotion. I think that it’s all of these memories hitting me all at once. It’s funny because the smallest thing will trigger them. It’s kind of crazy how these triggers can bring such a wave even after all of these years. They’ve been in this house since 1998. It holds a lot of memories even though I’ve never lived here. There have been many visits that ran the gambit of emotions.

Seeing him now in the nursing home is sad. I look at the once strong man who would talk to me about various issues in life or who would tell me some off the wall jokes and now he can barely get three words out. A lot of the time what he says makes no sense and he isn’t talking much at all. He still recognizes me at times, but doesn’t know my name. I wonder if I’m strong enough for the moment where I know he doesn’t recognize me. I’ve done all that I know how to do in order to prepare myself, but one never knows if it’ll be enough until that moment comes.

This will be the first vacation without him. We’re going back to Milwaukee and Chicago and it’s the same place one year ago when I first learned of his alzheimer’s. The speed of which this has all happened has really been more of a blessing than a curse. I would never want him to suffer and if he knew what was going on he’d be really pissed off.

All of this makes me think how important empathy and love really are. He has taught me so many things throughout my life. He continues to teach me things and he doesn’t even know it. While I would have rather not gone through all of this at all, I’m glad that it’s gone the way it has and somehow prayers have been answered at each turn where things have seen so overwhelming that I didn’t know how I’d make it to the next day. Empathy and love…they’re what make us humans and what makes our world continue to move in the right direction.

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