Friends

It’s really quite amazing how important true friends can be.  There are things in life that happen that just make you question why things happen the way that they do.  I think back to a time in high school when I had a car accident and the lady that was involved wound up passing away.  I never forget her name, but I wanted to forget the event.  It was a good friend who told me that I shouldn’t forget the event, instead I should celebrate the lessons learned from the event, pray that she’s taken care of, pray for her friends and family, and be thankful that I was safe.  There was another lady involved who had a son in the front passenger seat.  If she had run that red light a second later I would have missed her and she would have hit the son’s side of the other lady’s vehicle.  Friends bring things into perspective and can twist things so that even some of the worst events have a silver lining.

That accident was sixteen years ago.  I still think about that moment and I can remember the events as clear as day.  I think back to my mental state during all of that and if it wasn’t for friends I am not sure I could have gotten through that.  My parents were great, but my friends were the ones who were honest enough to really talk me down off the mental ledge.

As I continue to meet new people and gain more friends, it’s only natural that a few fall by the wayside.  Yes they’re losses, but maybe those people came into my life for a certain reason and now that the reason was fulfilled it’s time for them to affect someone else’s life.  All I know is that I continue to strive to be a good friend as my friends were to me when I needed them throughout my life.

So my philosophy is this: to be a good friend I have to be open-minded, non-judgmental, objective, subjective, protective, be able to have a good time, vulnerable, accepting, vocal, and able to be there when needed.  Based on my experiences thus far those are qualities my friends have shown me.  It’s my hope that I can live up to the bar that they have set so very high.

Memories

Over the last few weeks I’ve been at my parents’ house doing work around the house. For the past year, I’ve been steadily painting the inside and getting things cleaned and organized. With my dad in a nursing home now I’ve been doing a lot of work that my mom has wanted to do and things that will allow her to enjoy the house. It’s been small thing like paint color, furniture placement, etc.

Yesterday a dumpster was delivered and we threw away a lot of things, including many things that were my dad’s. At first I was a bit concerned with throwing them away, but then made the realization that me throwing these things wasn’t me throwing him away, it was me throwing things away that should have been thrown away long ago that he used. I didn’t throw anything away that had any sort of fond memories or sentimental value attached. Needless to say, there was a full dumpster by the end of the day waiting to be picked up by the city on Friday.

I often think about what my dad and I used to do together. My mom found his fishing poles. I remember fishing with him on the lakes in Wisconsin. My first fish was a sunfish at Shawno Lake. It was off a pier in the evening. My parents, sister, and grandma were there. I’m sure that there is a picture floating around here somewhere with that.

Those are the memories I choose to keep. While I will always remember the doctor’s appointments, his heart attack, his prostate cancer, and everything we did to slow the alzheimer’s, the things I choose to remember are the moments where he was laughing, helping me carve a pinewood derby car, making the most ridiculous faces.

This trip has been full of emotion. I think that it’s all of these memories hitting me all at once. It’s funny because the smallest thing will trigger them. It’s kind of crazy how these triggers can bring such a wave even after all of these years. They’ve been in this house since 1998. It holds a lot of memories even though I’ve never lived here. There have been many visits that ran the gambit of emotions.

Seeing him now in the nursing home is sad. I look at the once strong man who would talk to me about various issues in life or who would tell me some off the wall jokes and now he can barely get three words out. A lot of the time what he says makes no sense and he isn’t talking much at all. He still recognizes me at times, but doesn’t know my name. I wonder if I’m strong enough for the moment where I know he doesn’t recognize me. I’ve done all that I know how to do in order to prepare myself, but one never knows if it’ll be enough until that moment comes.

This will be the first vacation without him. We’re going back to Milwaukee and Chicago and it’s the same place one year ago when I first learned of his alzheimer’s. The speed of which this has all happened has really been more of a blessing than a curse. I would never want him to suffer and if he knew what was going on he’d be really pissed off.

All of this makes me think how important empathy and love really are. He has taught me so many things throughout my life. He continues to teach me things and he doesn’t even know it. While I would have rather not gone through all of this at all, I’m glad that it’s gone the way it has and somehow prayers have been answered at each turn where things have seen so overwhelming that I didn’t know how I’d make it to the next day. Empathy and love…they’re what make us humans and what makes our world continue to move in the right direction.