Afterthoughts…

While I try to think about why my friend decided to end his own life, there are several other questions that have come along with that. One of the major ones is, “Why?” The “Why?” question has come in various forms, such as “Why did he kill himself, Why didn’t he call out for help, Why did he move away, Why did he not respond to my reply email before he closed out his account, and Why did he think that he wasn’t strong enough to deal with things when he is one of the most solid people I have known…steady; strong; a rock.”

While I think about all of this, my emotions have been all over the place. They have ranged from confused to angered. I think that of all of them, the most prominent one is sadness. I still haven’t managed to remove him from my buddy list or delete his emails. I still log on hoping that there was some kind of mistake and that I will see his name appear on an email that he sent to me telling me that I’m a nut or something to that affect.

So naturally, with all of the questions, comes no answers. I have searched and searched for reasons and none of them have done Pete any justice. He’s still one of the best guys I’ve known and that will never change. He always thought of others instead of himself. He loved his kids (aka 3 rottwilers) and his job of being a state trooper. He was so proud when he was telling me that he got to drive an unmarked Durango that lit up like a Christmas tree. I asked why he needed an SUV in Rhode Island and he couldn’t answer it. I told him that he slacks off too much and the reply I get from him is that well then I’m really going to be mad at him because he was writing that email from a wireless connection that he had in his patrol car/SUV.

Pete always thought of others first and never put himself before his friends, even when his own personal concerns were greater. He never really wanted to hurt anyone by doing what he did. He loved his friends and never once asked for it to be returned. He enjoyed being sarcastic and funny, and that’s why people loved him. He was so easy to talk to, yet never once asked for anyone to listen to him. When I would ask how he was, it was always a very short answer and then back to whatever else was going on…always deflected questions about him away.

So now that he’s gone, we’re expected to keep living our own lives. We are expected to be just as strong as he was when he was with us. He wouldn’t want anyone to have to change anything because of something he did. I had a test today and wasn’t really in the mood to take it, but I knew if I didn’t, he’d be yelling at me from wherever he is. He always believed in his friends. He believed that they could be strong individuals that have a lot to offer. So now we have to live up to that lofty expectation, if nothing else to prove to ourselves that he was right.

Pete, I don’t know how you expect us to go on like nothing has happened. I know that you’re somewhere around here yelling at us for not doing our best at what we do, but it’s hard. You have left a hole in all of our hearts. I want you to know that I don’t think any less of you for what you did. I still love you and while I don’t understand why you did it, I still think you’re one of the best guys out there. I know that you’ll be up there watching over us and waiting for us when we get up there. Until then, be our guardian angel and watch over us. I know that I don’t even have to ask you to do that because I know you already are doing so. Pete, you’re still the man!

That 70’s Show

Eric (hung over on the couch): “My head hurts.”
Red: “That’s just your brain trying to comprehend your stupidity.”

You have taken your life and now what are we to do? You have been a true friend to so many, yet didn’t even know how much of an impact you had. I’m angry because you felt that there was no other way, sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye, and confused because there are so many questions left unanswered.

Thank you for being a great friend who never questioned, judged, or belittled. Thank you for always being fair, balanced, selfless, funny, true to yourself and others, and allowing me to see part of your life. Thank you for always being rational when that’s not always what I wanted to hear.

I keep looking for an email or chat from you. I keep wanting to see your name highlighted on my list and an email saying something sarcastic or brutally honest. You always asked about how I was doing, so here is what I would tell you now: I’m hurting. I don’t know how I’m expected to get over you doing what you did. I don’t know how I’m supposed to forgive you. I am thinking how I’ll never get to talk with you again and how much I can’t imagine not getting to see you. How am I supposed to be able to remove you from my buddy list. Your name is there now appearing clear as day and I don’t have the heart to take you off from it.

Thank you for considering me a friend enough to tell me goodbye in your own way. I will never forget you and will always remember you. I love you Peter Peterson.

What Happens Now?

As we walk down the path that is laid before us, we run into certain things that we either have to try to move around and overcome or stand in front of, turn back, and find another way. When I examine the path that I’m on, I can’t help but think at times what if I had come to a point where I had to turn around and find another way? Where would I be, what would I be doing, and what is in store for me now? I am fairly happy now living in Houston, working at the school, having great friends, and being able to have some time to just relax and do nothing. So what if things had been different and I would have stayed in Virginia Beach? I’d still be working in hotels, making much more money, working more hours, and being in an area that I enjoyed. So does that mean that I conquered anything by moving or just turned around and went another way?

I like to think of myself as a conqueror. I like to overcome challenges that are presented to me. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something and am proud of being able to do so. I don’t like having to realize that I may have made the wrong choice and cannot achieve the solution to an obstacle which would make me turn around and find another way. I consider that not as great. Although at times it is necessary to do so.

So I’d like to think that I conquered this move. I am pretty much settled in the house, found a GREAT job, found a GREAT friend, am working out and feeling better physically, and really like where I live. So it makes me wonder, why at times do I feel like I turned around and found another way? Is it because I had to leave a job that I really liked? Or is it because I never got a chance to conquer being able to feel settled? Don’t get me wrong…I was very settled physically. However, emotionally once friends started moving away, it left a hole in many aspects of my life. It was FANTASTIC finding old high school friends again. However, it was right before I moved here.

I feel more at home here almost than I do in Virginia Beach, somewhere I had lived for 15 years. I don’t know what it is about living here. It’s been quite an experience with quite a journey. My small path that I have been walking since I’ve been here has certainly had its twists and turns with a few narrow spots. There really hasn’t been anything overly challenging yet to the point where I’d want to turn around and find another route.

I have come to the realization that Houston is okay. It’s not as flashy as I would have liked (there’s no W Hotel here which truly signifies swank and sophistication), but it’s okay. There are tons of major league sport teams here and there is loads of culture and stuff to do. I enjoy driving through downtown everyday on my way to and from work. I live close enough to downtown to drive down and do things, but far enough away to feel like I’m in the burbs.

So I guess I’m wanting to know where my path will lead me now. People say that they go through life never being able to experience life…they just walk quickly down a path and go where it takes them. I have realized that I’m missing a lot by doing so. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been really stopping and examining what’s going on. I’ve been taking more time to enjoy things, both big and small. It has really made me enjoy what I’m doing a lot more.

The other day I was sitting outside with the kids on the front porch. They were trying to guess how old I was and all the other usual stuff. I was really missing a friend of mine and was kind of in a blah mood. It was at that point that I realized that the kids not only knew I was in a blah mood, but they were really trying hard to make it so I’d have a better day by sitting around and talking, joking, and laughing with me. So not only were they aware of what was going on, they were actually making an attempt to make things better. It amazed me when I realized what they were doing. They only knew me three weeks and here they were caring about someone else instead of doing their own socialization with each other like the normally do. It kind of blew my mind.

I only have a few weeks left with this group of 8th graders and I’m soooooo sad. This group of students is incredible! I love them. I’m really sad that only a handfull of them are coming back to the high school next year. The rest are going to other schools for different specializations (fine arts, etc.). So now, not only do I wonder where my path will go, but I wonder if I will ever be able to cross paths with the students that will be leaving me and where their own journeys will take them.

It’s funny how paths cross and how they intertwine. I don’t know if it was meant to be that my path cross with these students now. I wasn’t supposed to start until August, therefore I wouldn’t have known them. I can’t imagine not knowing them actually. I have seen so much growth already, not necessarily the traditional educational growth, but human and emotional growth. It’s odd how paths are traveled. So now we continue to walk the path not knowing where it leads, but always wondering what is waiting for us up ahead.

Comfortably Numb

With the shooting at Virginia Tech occurring, it has made me realize one very important thing about society….we have become comfortably numb.  It’s as if we have experienced so much already that when a tragic event such as this happens, it’s almost like it’s not news.  The rise in school shootings over the years has led people to believe that this kind of thing is normal in schools.  With the exception of the Mennonite school in Pennsylvania, we have seen the shootings take place at public schools.  It would lead me to assume that the people that are quick to jump to conclusions would think that public schools are no longer safe.  As bad as these events are, odds are that it would happen in a place that draws from a larger population and has a more diverse student body.  It’s hard for staff and faculty to keep an eye on everyone in a high school setting, yet alone a college setting.

Everytime I hear about something tragic like this, it makes my heart heavier.  The fact that someone out there feels the need to do this is just awful.  What’s worse is that the public sees it as another negative event and doesn’t stop to think about the ramifications, the people involved, or those who lost their lives and loved ones.  I don’t understand how people can’t stop for a moment and remember the people, including the aggressor and his/her family.  So now we will hear how bad the shooter’s life was and what was wrong with him and who’s to blame.  Why the blame?  Because that’s the kind of world we live in…we want to blame someone or something in order to feel a little better about the whole thing….in order to feel like we weren’t connected in any sort of way.  Well what if we are to blame as a general public?  Would we stop and think and remember then?

What about those who had to play dead in order not to die?  What about those who were shot through the door because they were trying to save their own lives and stop the shooter from coming inside the classroom?  What about the shooter who felt so angry for whatever reason?  What about the parents who have sons and daughters who attend the school?  What about Virginia Tech’s reaction to the situation?  What will all of this lead to?  Will it make us even more over-cautious?

We live in a world where we look for someone to point the finger at.  What if there is no finger to point?  What if there are several million fingers to point?  Would we still be numb if we knew that we could do something about what’s going on as a nation?  At what point will we be able to come together like we did when 9/11 happened?  How many people will have to die this time?  We have become comfortably numb.

Cirque Du Soleil

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to get to see Cirque Du Soleil’s Corteo. It is set up in a Circus tent and tells the story of the funeral and dream of a fellow cast member. It was incredible! I have never seen a Cirque Du Soleil performance live before. It was great to see the stuff in person. We had fifth row seats and the stage was a circle. We were on one of the center aisles, so it was really quite a great view. I don’t know how people do what they were doing without safety harnesses and all, but wow. If you ever get a chance to see one of their shows, go for it!

The First Week…Concluded

So my first week of work is complete. For those of you who may not know, I was going to start teaching at St. Stephen’s Episcopal Montessori School in the fall. However, due to circumstances that were pretty bad, I was asked to come in now and finish out the year. I had been in a couple of times to observe and even did lecture on how 9/11 has changed the American Spirit and in which that direction the American Spirit is going. I have to say, the first few times I was there I was kind of uncertain. The kids were unruly, rude, and there was chaos in the classroom…at least in the one that the teacher I was replacing was running. The others were better.

It all kind of happened rather quickly. I got a call from the school while I was in an interview at the Sheraton for a management position, but didn’t offer the money I wanted. I called the school back and got the information and told her that I would have to think about it. So I wound up taking it and two hours after I did, the Sheraton called back and offered much more than what the school offered, but I had already taken the teaching position. I was kind of mixed about the whole thing, but I gave my word to the school.

Needless to say, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that I made the decision that I did. The school is in Montrose, which is the trendy, artsy area of Houston…or at least the main one. It’s in the museum district and the school is in both converted houses and a large building. I am in the downstairs in one of the houses. I love it! I has a huge front porch with several picnic tables and then has a back porch and a back deck upstairs. The best part…we’re the furthest building away from everyone else. I have done a couple of classes outside. I am teaching two classes of history and two classes of pre-algebra. I like it so much because while I still have to teach what’s in the standardized testing for the state, I can talk about other things. The other day we were talking about how there’s a bill in the senate here that wants to bring a Bible class into public schools. So we talked about that and we talked about why it’s important. We got on the subject of music and someone had brought up that they didn’t care for Christian music…so ironically I was able to bring up the Lifehouse thing where they don’t have God in their songs directly and how people find different meanings in the same words. There is no way I could have done that in public schools because of the focus on standardized testing. I love that I can go outside the box and expand their views and have them think about things from different perspectives. I enjoy being able to put a human touch on it if you will.

So all in all, great first week. I’m really enjoying it and cannot wait until next year. I have had zero behavior issues. I’m charging them a quarter for everything I pick up off the floor after they leave, for interrupting me, and for being disrespectful to other classmates. It may not seem like a lot of money, but when it’s their extra ice cream money for the ice cream guy that comes around, the behaviors have really come to a drastic minimum. The money is for their trips in case you were wondering.

Oh, I can’t forget that I have been complained on by one parent already. I changed an assignment from the previous teacher…I made it easier actually. The mom was upset that I didn’t let her know that the syllabus had changed. She was mad because I gave her son a zero for not turning in what I asked for…even though he was in the class all four days and knew what I wanted because he’s one of the ones that verified what I wanted after class. However, the mom is such a stark raving control freak that she probably made him do it by the syllabus and didn’t listen to her own son. So she told me that it was unfair, blah, blah and that my class was out of control (which she interrupted my class and I graciously gave her the one minute that she asked for…plus 14 more). So the class was a bit talkative, but it wouldn’t have been if she hadn’t pulled me outside. So then she talked to the head of school for a while and complained. So ultimately, what this has told me is that she has strict control over her son’s work which will lead to him not being able to be independent, as his test scores show…which is unfortunate. Needless to say, I have the school’s support. Oh, by the way, she ended her phone call with the head of school saying that I looked a little young. Oh the ignorance of some people.